Wednesday, 3 April 2013

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The Life of Blimey #8 - Poppycock and other Falsehoods

Regular #TRAMPonline @TheBlimey is on holiday this week, tramping around the Gower Peninsula in South Wales, so Big H has hijacked the blog......




Blimey is on holiday this week, tramping around the Gower Peninsula in South Wales, so Big H has hijacked the blog......

"'Ello? 'Ello? Is this fucking thing working? 'Ello?"
"What are you doing, big boy?"
"Trying to get this fucking blog to work, Minnie. Blimey's fucked off on holiday and left me to it. Bastard."
"Do you have a subject, sugar?"
"Thought I'd tell them about the ten best doorways I've shit in"
"You certainly know how to turn a girl on, Big H"
"Come on then, Minnie, you got anything better?"
"Why don't you tell them about my life in the 80's?"
"What fucking life in the 80's, Min? Thought you were a career tramp"
"Me and Iman were like that" said Minnie holding up two overlapping fingers.
"Didn't realise you were fucking Islamic"
"No you moron. Iman the supermodel and wife of the thin white duke"
"Stop pissing with me, Minnie, even I know the Duke is married to the Queen"
"Not that Duke, H, although I admit he is thin and white. No, THE thin white duke - David Bowie"
"Fuck off, Min, you were never a supermodel"
"I was so"
"Go on then, prove it, Min"
"Well it was me that introduced Kelly LeBrock to Eileen Ford's agency. She was Kelly Le fucking Broke until I took her under my wing"
"Go on"
"It was me that introduced  Janice Dickinson to plastic surgery. Cleaver Clive was a pioneer plastic surgeon in LA"
"Cleaver Clive?"
"He started life as a meat butcher"
"Fucking hell, Minnie that explains a lot"
"I introduced David Copperfield to Claudia"
"You are shitting me, Min"
"I was a little drunk at time and said 'David Coppafeel, Claudia Stiffher. Claudia Stiffher, David  Cocknose' . He did his world famous sausage disappearing trick 10 minutes later. The rest is history"
"Was this when you were hooked on heroine, Min?"
"We all were, it was the best way to control our weight"
"I prefer Special Brew to get off my tits, Min"
"Those were really wild days, H. Drugs, drink and sex. Especially the sex. With anyone and everyone. I made Taylor Swift look like a fucking nun."
"A nun that fucked"
"Well it certainly became a habit, ha ha"
"Tell me about Bowie, Min"
"He was a kinky one"
"Go on"
"And I inspired one of his songs"
"No?"
"He was obsessed with what Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful did. You know, the candy bar thing. But Iman was sucrose intolerant. So he got me to do it."
"Not sure I'm fucking following this"
"I put the chocolate bar down there, and he ate it. Trouble is I had a does of crabs at the time"
"So what was the fucking song, Min?"
"Life on Mars, H, Life on Mars"
Readers should be aware that both Big H and Skinny Minnie are compulsive liars and therefore it is likely that the above is untrue.

Normal service [sic] may be resumed next week.

@TheBlimey 

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