Uncle Arthur’s
Bollocks is a podcast hosted by Lancastrian, Nigel Boydell. The show’s format
revolves around Arthur’s opinionated ramblings about whatever has irked him
that week. Although Arthur comes across as a foul mouthed old lout who appears
to want everyone fired out of a cannon, he is, in fact, a foul mouthed old lout
who wants everyone fired out of a cannon.
…………………………
Uncle Arthur’s Bollocks
The story so far
Hey up! And welcome
to this, the inaugural blog concerning all things ‘Uncle Arthur’.
I think the best
thing to do is to furnish our readers with a brief bio of our intrepid, if
somewhat grumpy podcasting pensioner.
‘Uncle Arthur’ was born Arthur
LloydGeorge Shufflebottom, to urine carbonator, Seth Shufflebottom and
his child bride, Estonia, in the early to late parts of the 19th
and 20th century.
Arthur led a rather
deprived childhood, only being allowed to eat solid food on the Sabbath, which
was, unfortunately, a family fasting day according to the edicts of their
obscure religious beliefs, and therefore, of double the inconvenience.
He was put to work
at the tender age of 10 as a Tripe Bleacher’s Monkey, on Bury
Market, but was soon spotted by the editor of the local newspaper The
Arseington Liar whilst spouting vitriol from the steps of the town’s Salvation Army mission, and was rescued by the
aforementioned editor before the hostile crowd that had gathered could carry
out the lynching they deemed the young Arthur so richly deserved.
Our hero went on to
become the newspaper’s editor, after
implicating his employer/rescuer/benefactor in a sordid ménage a trois
involving the then Prime Minister and a leading member of the Catholic Church.
Arthur married, Gladys
Outhouse, in the summer of 1954 after a whirlwind romance and a rather dubious
curry, and they are still together to this day.
After a long and
rather turbulent career, during which Gladys was forced to live, for long
periods, in a shed on the outskirts of Barnoldswick in Lancashire, Arthur
retired to take up whippet breeding, flat-cap detailing and podcasting.
It is to the latter
that we will remain eternally in Arthur’s debt.
Each Post Uncle Arthur will bring you a run down and companion piece to his ever expanding podcast.
Episode 17
A Night of Random Bollocks
April 5 2013
After a preamble
about a recently purchased microphone stand, Arthur launches into a passionate
assault on the culture of allowing children into public houses. Especially when
he is trying to relax with a pint of real ale and an overcooked carvery.
(And there’s this bloke jumping around like a fuckin cabaret star
with his arse in me face. I’ll tell you what.
It was like something off the Jeremy fuckin Kyle Show! ….Arthur April 2013)
His next subjects
for careful consideration are the self-service checkouts that every supermarket in the country now has for
our service and convenience. Needless to say, they wind him up considerably.
([“Unknown item in
the bagging area. Take it out, you twat. Get Flossie over here, now. I’m not wearing this, you tosser”.] Checkout talking to Arthur. ….Arthur April
2013)
Petrol Stations are
next. Arthur misses the days when some menial in a uniform and self-deprecating
manner came to the car to pander to your every whim, and you could fill your
car up for 10 shillings.
(It’s different in America. You sit in your car while some
little gimboid comes and checks your oil and cleans your windows and gives you
a fuckin blowjob and gives you an enema! ….Arthur April 2013)
And if you are one
of those people who goes around saying, “I’m mad, me. Me and
my mates, we’re mad we are. We sit up till
midnight eating biscuits and drinking coke, then expect Arthur’s final tirade to cause some offence.
(I’d fuckin shoot them into space, I would. I’d cover them in fuckin mirrors and shoot them into
space, then you could watch the light reflect of them as they orbited the
Earth. And they’d be waving and
shouting. “I’m mad, me. Me and
me mates are orbiting the Earth cos we’re mad, we are. ….Arthur April 2013)
Listen to the Episode here:
Enjoy ‘Uncle Arthur’ responsibly, and
please be aware, ‘Uncle Arthur’s Bollocks’ contains very
strong language.
He can be found at:
@Uttertoshpod
@Uttertoshpod
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