My EXCLUSIVE Chat with Gwyneth Paltrow

It's all been kicking off in the world of celebrity and the shocking news was released last night when Gwyneth Paltrow (or GwynPAL as I will forever call her) announced herself and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin were splitting up, or conscious uncoupling  as it was so eloquently put.......Don't look at me, I ain't got a fucking clue what it fucking means either!

Anyway, whilst this entire shocking news filtered through the internet, it kind of ruined my super secret mysterious exclusive interview I did with.......................GWYNETH PALTROW!

That's right! Me, the little fat podcasting blogger from Essex managed to sit down last month to talk with Miss Pepper Potts herself. I was going to have it recorded for the podcast, but her PR people said they only wanted a written blog post because her words give off more energy than the audio words would.

Ok, so I met up with GwynPAL, not in a swanky hotel room because apparently a hotel room uses up too much cosmic energy for some reason, so we met up on a grassy knoll amongst a flowery meadow on the first day of spring.......and it was raining! But luckily GwynPAL's minders held umbrellas made off shedded wings of irish fairies from the 1830's (apparently) so we didn't get wet at all.

she told me the shine on her legs was because they are bathed in goats saliva daily.

Anyway the interview began swimmingly after I complimented her on her lovely dress
"Thank you, it was handmade by blind eunuchs from the Himalayas. they do such great stitch work and a good price" She beamed. When I asked her how much it cost "Two cup a soups and a packet of pork scratchings"
Who knew Blind eunuchs loved pub snacks so much! Anyway, we began our chat under the rain soaked umbrellas. 

Me: Hi Gwyneth, Lovely to meet you, how are you?
GwynPAL: Well (She paused for what felt like forever, but was approximately 15 seconds) No, I am not comfortable answering such a personal question. let's move on

Great Start! First question, wasn't even a question, and it gets slammed shut. But being the professional I am, I continue...

Me: So, please tell me more about your site "GOOP"
GwynPAL: Oh, well GOOP is a hub.........

Now, apologises here, because the following answer from GwynPAL was so long, winded and frankly fucking dull, I felt i needed to constrict the answer so you would all understand it.

"Goop is a site GwynPAL created where she can go online and talk shit about shit and people think she is a lifestyle guru and ultra interesting"

That is a simple way to put it I suppose. Her explanation included Rabbits from Ecuador that can be used as soap and Avocados that were created by a spiritual horse who was allergic to peanuts.

This Photo wasn't changed to black and white. GwynPAL actually changed her skin colour to match the Black and White tone specifically for this photo. 

This was meant to be a trouser suit, but he trousers shrunk in the wash and she had to wear them as short shorts.

So the next question was me trying to get to the gritty stuff

Me: You and your husband Chris Martin seem like a solid couple. What is the secret to a happy marriage?
GwynPAL: Well, I don't usually discuss private matters, but seeing as you agreed with me during the Goop explanation about Unicorns being reincarnated racists from the 17th century, I'll give you the secret to a happy marriage........
Me: Yeah?
GwynPAL: The secret to a happy marriage is................a wood burning oven

I stared at GwynPAL straight faced as she went on to explain how much she loved her wood burning oven and how it has created such a bond with her family and friends and even once saved the family from being killed by a rogue kettle in the kitchen that wanted to take Chris hostage and demand he sing "Fix You" over and over again until the kettle was paid $50!.......Apparently Kettle's don't understand the value of money.

GwynPAL's legs actually have their own  reality tv show on the "TLC" channel

GwynPAL was beginning to worry me. This lady wasn't the lady I expected to be interviewing. I was expecting the lady from "Iron Man" or "Sliding Doors" but instead I got a lady who had just asked one of her minders whether the Island from LOST was finished being renovated and available to move onto.
I thought I should ask one final question, as I could see the rain was suddenly dripping onto her and she was beginning to get damp and smell of pot noodles.

Me: So, Gwyneth, its been a pleasure talking to you, but I have one final question I am sure millions of your fans are eager to know.
GwynPAL: Sure, anything for my human fans
Me: How comes your english accent is so flawless?
GwynPAL: Well that's easy. I was born with an extra tongue in my throat that belonged to Oscar Wilde. 

WOW, and with that GwynPAL simply disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelt peculiarly like Pineapple and Car exhausts. Along with that so did her minders and I was left on the knoll getting wet and cold. I got up, dusted myself down and made my way back home, which took me well over an hour to get because I was in the middle of fucking nowhere.

GwynPAL drinks water fresh from the springs of her man made well in the garden. It's actually just sparkling tesco water constantly being streamed around her house.

So there you go, my Exclusive chat with GwynPAL weeks before the whole break up shock. I don't know if you agree, but I am not sure everything she said was true, nor was she actually there. Infact I don't even think this entire thing happened and I may have just made this up. 

You know what? I think I just created this whole thing up! and in doing so, wasted your time.

Oh well...................We'll always have this moment together.
Thank you for reading.

Disclaimer: This entire post was a complete lie and fucking joke. If you don't get the joke, then you deserve to go through your life thinking this actually happened and left to wonder why you have no friends. Gwyneth has no affiliation with this blog, nor will she ever see it or care about it. 

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